A few years back, after my husband's job loss, I wondered if we could save our marriage. After leaving his job of fifteen years, my husband fell into a crisis of immobilizing despondency, fear and self-doubt. My empathy waned as more and more time passed, as bills mounted and summer holidays seemed a remote financial impossibility. As much as I loved my husband, my resentment built as it seemed unfair that I should have to get another job to make ends meet.

Our relationship teetered in a precarious balance as my "helpful” suggestions for my husband; and my husband's seemingly passive entrenchment wedged us apart. Partly, we made it through this trying time as we both attempted to keep communicating however strained it was. For me, though, my turning point came through the voice of my God.

Listen to the Voice of Your God

I have this wonderful gift that at times seems like my bane. If something is really amiss in my life I awaken in the midst of the night and remain sleepless until I hear what needs to be heard. This particular morning I awoke at 3:00 a.m. and couldn't sleep. The small, quiet voice of my God whispered, "What are you doing?" I thought, "What am I doing? - You mean what is HE not doing!" However, that cryptic, persistent voice quietly repeated, "No, Teresa - What are YOU doing?"

Within the dark hours of that sleepless night, I pondered that query until that small voice of clarity whispered to me, "What would you be doing if Steve wasn't here?" Then - Oh so clearly! - I saw what I was doing. I saw how subtly (and not so subtly) I had been resenting and blaming my husband for not working, not doing enough to get work, and our summer vacation being threatened due to lack of funds.

Journeying not so far back in time I vividly recalled the six years I was a single mother. I remembered the times there was not enough money for holidays or Christmas. What did I do? Did I moan and blame someone? No, I scrambled to pick up bits of work to make the extra money.

Why was I putting all this pressure on my husband then? If I wanted more money for our family, blaming and resenting my husband was never going to make that happen! Shortly thereafter, I decided (with my husband's agreement) to drive, by myself, 500 miles to Vancouver to acquire another certification that would generate more income for me. (Unexpected money came to us to help pay for this training!) Quite suddenly there I was; journeying alone to Vancouver to get my certification.

To Thine Own Self Be True

Heading down that h

ighway alone was such a novel feeling. Never had I left my son and husband alone while I made a long road trip myself. Yet, I had traveled the world far and wide before the birth of my son. In that poignant moment I saw how very much of my life, heart and soul I had poured into my son (and husband) for so very long. I saw how very much I needed this time and space to do what I needed to do and how very good this was for them too.

Interestingly, as I changed - focusing on what I needed and then doing it - the family changed. Steve found his own path. My son discovered I am a separate being with my own needs and desires - not merely an extension of his needs. Thankfully we stayed together through this trying time and have a closer, better marriage for working through it.

Save Your Marriage

If you are in a trying relationship with a partner who seems withdrawn or stuck or perhaps, you are on the other side and feel your partner is pushing and controlling you; please, please, do not give up on each other. (Of course this excludes staying in abusive situations.) All relationships have hills and valleys, switching partners only leads to a different range of hills and valleys.

Within any strained relationship, whoever has the wider consciousness must reach out to shift the impasse. We can practice sitting, breathing in and out, letting go of our thoughts about our partner's shortcomings, and returning to our God (as we understand Him/Her). We can seek the bigger picture and do our best to remember we love this person. We can seek to understand what is really going on for them, and to let go of expecting them to fulfill our needs.

It is here, in the grist of daily life, we are called to our true lifework. If we are unhappy, it is our lifework to change ourselves and fulfill our own needs. We cannot change another but through changing ourselves - and we can with God's help - everything around us changes.

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