Why, in a family, do bad people, hurt good people? Although shocking, this is really the way many people think when relationships develop problems! "If I am such a nice person, why is my spouse frequently angry at me? If I am such a good parent, why is my teenage son rude and disobedient? It must be that there is something wrong with them and that is why they are hurting me." This is a very common way of thinking.

Thinking like this, "Bad things that happen to me are undeserved. I am a good person and this isn't fair!" depicts a useless way of thinking. If a person starts out by thinking that they are perfect and without responsibility, i.e., a "good person," there is then little likelihood that they will search for how their own behaviour has helped to create a particular problem or situation. Rather, thinking that one is personally innocent, and only a victim, will lead to blaming everyone else for all personal problems and thereby precludes any opportunity to work toward a solution.

A better way of responding to something that is "bad" is by asking the question, "How have I contributed to this happening to me?" Then one can proceed to honestly and sincerely look for an answer. When personal responsibility is accepted, at least for part of the problem, then there becomes an opportunity to create positive change.

The following examples depict taking responsibility and asking how one contributed to the problem:

A husband asked his wife why she seemed to always be angry with him. She told him that he frequently treated her harshly and she felt he "bull dozed" over her.

A father asked his son why he was rude and disobedient. He explained that he was constantly being nagged for every little thing and felt unaccepted for who he was.

A wife asked her husband why he works late every night. He told her that he was frightened by her "angry moods" and was trying to avoid her.

A mother asked her five-year-old daughter why she continually tried to avoid doing homework. The little girl said she felt Astupid.@ Mom asked her what made her feel that way. The girl explained because she was the "slowest" reader in the class.

By asking the question correctly, "What is my part in this problem," you can get an answer that is useful. The answer to this question can lead to appropriate action that can be part of a solution.

For example, the above questions, with regards to one=s personal responsibility for the problem, can lead to the following solutions:

The husband learned to be gentle and sensitive to his wife.

The father learned to give his son more autonomy.<

The wife learned how to control her anger.

The girl got tutoring for her reading and began enjoying school and willingly did her homework.

However, for many people, asking the right question and then hearing the answer, is very difficult. The reason is because admitting that one is at least in part responsible for a problem requires inner strength and self-confidence. People who are insecure have a need to defend themselves and they do this by always insisting they are right and everyone else is wrong. If one is already hurting inside because of low self-esteem, admitting a mistake is like pouring salt on an open wound.

It is important to try to understand how one contributed to a relationship problem in order to correct it. To be able to do this requires health self-esteem.

The most direct way to build healthy self-esteem, if it is lacking, is by directing positive affirmations toward oneself. This means, deflecting negative self-criticism and replacing it with positive and comforting beliefs and thoughts about oneself. If a person=s self-esteem is severely injured, it may be necessary to seek the assistance of a properly trained and caring mental health professional. By healing oneself, one will also contribute to the healing of one's primary relationships.

Introspection and self-truth are necessary for healthy relationships. When something goes wrong in a family relationship, the first thought should be, "How have I contributed to this problem?" This then becomes a significant first step toward a possible solution.