I received an email this week about communication in relationships. He wrote:

"Why is communication important in a relationship? Is it the most important part of a relationship?”

First let's agree that when we use the word communication we are referring to verbal and non-verbal communication.

Verbal and non-verbal language is an essential element for committed relationships, friendships, business relationship and virtually all other kinds of relationships. We depend on making ourselves understood to convey our wants and needs, likes and dislikes, thoughts and feelings, and to make requests of others.

We communicate non-verbally with our faces and our bodies. For example, when we are listening, we might tilt our heads a bit or lean forward toward the speaker. The speaker would likely perceive us to be interested, and listening attentively.

Conversely, if we fidget, sigh, roll our eyes, make any of a number of faces with our mouths and lips (you know what I mean!), we could be accurately perceived by the speaker to be in disagreement, contemptuous, critical, disapproving, etc.

We communicate verbally with the words we choose, with inflection, pitch, decibel level, and cadence. And make no mistake, a speaker's attitude comes across loud and clear when s/he speaks.

Here are a few key things to remember:

· Say what you mean and mean what you say.

· Do what you say and say what you do.

· Your thoughts and feelings, needs and wants, likes and dislikes are valid and legitimate. It is your job to own your internal experience. That means identify what is going on for you inside yourself, learn to language it and find the courage to express it. Ownership implies that you know and believe that you are Okay with who you are, and how you experience and react to your inside and outside worlds. Other people do not have to understand or agree in order for your experiences to be valid, legitimate and respected. This is about you!

· Similarly, others express their thoughts and feelings, needs and want, likes and dislikes and their internal experiences are valid and legitimate. You may or may not understand. Please respect their experience(s). Your response? Agree to disagree. Accept without agreeing. This is about them! This is not about you.

· When a need is unmet it becomes an issue. We have many opportunities to experience and express issues in our relationships. Common ways to respond, although unproductive and harmful, are to complain, blame and criticize. Next time you experience an issue try making a request. Identify what you need or want or what you want someone to do or

say differently, then, make a request. Focus on what you want to happen, instead of what isn't happening or what happened that you didn't like.

· Learn to tell your whole truth. Notice I didn't say the truth. Your truth is your recognition of what you are experiencing inside yourself and outside of yourself at any given moment. If you are experiencing an upset or a disappointment you may know or understand less about what you are experiencing than at other times. Find the courage to say as much as you can about what you think, feel, need and want. When you have more clarity or additional knowing be sure to share them with you partner.

· Listening is an essential and valuable skill. Becoming a good listener takes time and practice, and is enormously appreciated by others. When you are engaged in a meaningful conversation, say to you partner, "Tell me more.” This is a special invitation that conveys your interest, and intention to listen and really know them and understand the issue.

Communication is one of the essential parts of creating rich, meaningful relationships. Communicating verbally and non-verbally in a kind, responsible and respectful way furthers understanding, feeling valued, respected and cared for and increases intimacy and trust.

Remember, only you can make it happen!

Copyright Dr. Jackie Black 1999-2006

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