The Olympic games have become less and less interesting since the fall of the Soviet Empire, our only true international competitor in both athletics and war (The Cold War). Though we are currently at war with terrorists, your average diminutive Muslim is a real girly-man who doesn't offer much in the line of athletic competition. In a one-on-one unarmed street fight, our male figure skaters could probably beat them up. Until the International Olympic Committee opens up new competition such as team beheadings, suicide bombings, team rioting and the Molotov cocktail throw; I don't see Islamic terrorists ever becoming true competitors to the US.

After the Soviet Empire fell we tried to keep the Olympics interesting. The most obvious attempt was the authorized participation of professional athletes in the games. The best example of this was the 1992 US Olympic basketball "Dream Team.” But that move bombed after the novelty wore off and we started seeing how spoiled and childish most of those athletes were. Another failed attempt at holding our interest was the re-scheduling of the games. Instead of seeing the winter and summer games every 4 years, we now get one or the other every two years. But that move hasn't seemed to gain much traction either.

As the athletic competition became less and less interesting, the television networks gave us more and more behind the scenes reporting about scandals or the ubiquitous tragic human-interest story about one of our athletes. Each of these athletes seemed to have a life that would rival a Sophoclean play. Though that does make sense when you think about it. A world-class athlete has to have motivation. They are either running from an overwhelming event in their life, or they are over-compensating for something that is missing.

Until China steps up to be our true international rival and makes the games interesting again, we have to come up with an alternative. I am recommending we have the International Olympic Games of Government Workers. Government workers are universally mediocre and that should give us some good competition. Capitalists, socialists, and communists would be on equal footing.

The inaugural games will be held in Germany at the newly built Max Weber Olympic facility. This will take place in 2020, the hundredth anniversary of the death of Weber, the father of modern bureaucracy. This will give our governments 14 years to get organized. This is plenty of time for the bureaucrats to call a meeting and think about making a decision. All of the games will be indoors. Bureaucrats don't like to go outside. Fans can be kept outside waiting in long lines for tickets. Just like when you go to the Post Office or city clerk.

I still need an Olympic symbol, Olympic torch, and good ideas for the opening ceremony. I do have a list of medal events for the games. The events represent all the aspects of a good bureaucracy. The darker side of bureaucracies; nepotism, corruption, bribery, and waste, fraud and abuse will not be included in the medal

events. Those activities hit too close to home for the International Olympic Committee.

Medal events will include

Individual competition

Staring out the window

Small talk at the copy machine

Carrying documents around just to look busy

Overall time wasting

Desktop solitaire

Desktop minesweeper

Desktop free cell

Overall desktop games

Rigid adherence to the rules

Finding the most arcane rules

Finding the smallest procedural error to deny your

application

Overall rule bound

Impersonal service

Unfriendly service

Slow service

Closing at 5 pm sharp

Overall contempt for the customer

Mediocrity

Lowest productivity

Incompetence

Overall ineptitude

Getting personal work done on company time

Internet surfing

E-mailing office jokes

Personal use of government car

Abuse of expense account

Overall misuse of government assets

Over-specialization

Inadaptability

That's not my job

Overall avoiding responsibility

Most creative workman's compensation

Using lawsuits to avoid being fired

Equal Opportunity abuse

Americans with Disabilities Act abuse

Overall job security abuse

Risk avoidance

Avoiding anything that is out of the ordinary

Avoiding decision-making

Overall inertia

Doublespeak

Acronym use

Buzz terms

Overall bureauspeak

Team competition

Turf wars

Most meetings in a day

Group-think

Most vertical hierarchy

Most confusing automated phone menu

Creation of contradictory rules

Human interest stories for the television networks will include; dealing with the mental anguish of boredom, second and third generation bureaucrat families, overcoming career threatening injuries like paper cuts and carpel tunnel, and scary stories from the cafeteria.

Instead of using blood and urine tests to check our athletes for illegal steroids, we will use personality tests to check our bureaucrats for illegal leadership. We will not have to worry about the amateur vs. professional controversy. There are no professionals in government work. And unlike the traditional Olympics, these games will not necessarily be for the young athletes. The old, entrenched bureaucrat who has outstayed his usefulness and is just clinging on until retirement will probably have the experience needed to medal. But we might have to offer some additional motivation to earn a gold or silver medal. The government worker will always think that bronze is good enou

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