Americans are turning into monumental bores - getting their noses out of joint over a myriad of trivial offenses. This being so, I hereby exercise the privilege on behalf of some really big disses.

Heading the list of self-induced heartburns is the display of the Confederate flag. Professional black racists, including those elected to high office, have turned American history into propaganda hatred.

The Confederate flag does not represent perpetuation of slavery. The Civil War was not fought over slavery, though it was propaganda for both sides.

The War Between the States was fought over the right of states to enact laws not reserved to the national government. Slavery was an abhorrent world-wide institution that needed to be eradicated. It still exists today in parts of Africa with little objection.

Part of the problem in ante-bellum South was that slavery was becoming less relevant to the economy.

President Lincoln's Emancipation Proclamation freed only southern slaves. Less than 2 percent of the soldiers who fought for the Confederacy owned slaves.

The Confederate flag represents a southern heritage of passion for state rights vs. federal dictate. A case can be made that state rights should be subservient to centralized government. But this is an historical issue different from that of personal affront.

If all historical traces of slavery are obliterated, memory of the valiant struggle to "over come” will fade away.

A similar ideological myopia is nurtured by those protesting the Pledge of Allegiance because it contains the words: "under God.”

The latest jackassery is that of the 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals in California holding for a professed atheist. He contends his 8-year-old daughter -- who does not live with him but with his divorced wife - should not be subjected to hearing the words "under God” recited daily in public schools.

The matter is being appealed to the U.S. Supreme Court. In the meantime, the Pledge is banned in the 9th District. Ten million children in nine states are shielded from the "offensive words.” Rule of majority has been sundered by minority complaints.

Other objections to offensive words are catered by eliminating references to "Indians” in names of athletic teams.

Again, objectors are straining for something to complain about.

Sport teams use Indian sobriquets to portray valor in battle - a positive trait that seems to have gone out of style. What is left is the negative impression of Indians as reservation dependents.

Other silly claims of offense abound.

A dockside

restaurant in Kennebunk, Maine, has been ordered by a federal judge to remove outdoor umbrellas advertising Hebrew National hotdogs. The town's code enforcement officer complained the brand name was "personally offensive.” His jack-boot size must be 18.

An African-American, Manhattanville College, girl basketball star turns her back on the American flag when the National Anthem is sung. Spectators at away games wave little American flags every time she takes the floor.

In Brooklyn, a newly elected borough president lit a firestorm when he declared he would take down the portrait of George Washington - "an old, white man” - and replace it with one of "a young, black, woman or Latino.”

A public works department employee at Tampa was fired when he refused to remove his Sons of Confederate War Veterans plate from his personal automobile parked in the county parking lot.

Now that judges, politicians and complainers are in charge, I hereby post the things that offend me - in expectation the affronts will be removed toot sweet:

1. Raw sex on television - the dignity of love abrogated.

2. Smutty jokes - when did slut-talk become fashionable?

3. Rapping - an excuse for lack of talent.

4. Crude expletives - "heck” is quite sufficient.

5. High skirts and low necklines - "Hey, guys, rape me.”

6. Amber light cheaters - if you want to commit suicide, jump off a bridge.

7. Pop-ups on the Internet - a poke in the eye is more tolerable.

8. Telephone solicitations - junk mail is enough.

9. One-issue politicians - life is too complicated.

10. Entertainer award programs - boring Narcissism run amok.

11. Comic strips on the fold - funny things are too scarce.

PARTING SHOTS

Citizen William Jefferson Clinton has been called for jury duty in New York. He will never serve. Jurors have to swear under oath to determine truthfulness.

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The state of Utah has placed a tax on topless dancers. What ever happened to the flat tax?

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