The man's role is to attract and make himself available but not chase. Just like it's the man's role to build desire in a woman but not fight for her attention.

Unfortunately, since social programming is very ingrained in the minds of people, the man must "chase" without giving the vibe that he is chasing. He has to do this to get his foot in the door, but in such a way so as to not lose attraction. In other words, he has to be the one to initiate a get together but do it in such a way that the woman does not feel he is trying to win her over.

For example, touching base over the phone or email but not directly pushing for a get together, and doing this until she hints at a get together herself. Another example is inviting her out for a drink to see if there's compatibility, but not inviting her out for dinner. This is especially important if you met a woman from the internet. You keep the first meeting brief and if there's a connection then you meet again in the future where you can spend more time with her. Why devote an entire saturday night to a woman whom you haven't yet established a connection with?

To make sense of all this, one analogy that I find very useful is sales. In sales, there is a buyer and seller.

Men do the selling. Women do the buying. Both are powerful roles. The woman's role is powerful because she can choose the one she wants and if she doesn't find him appealing she can move on to the next. The man's role is powerful because he can always get another buyer (assuming he has a quality product). The man's role is active since he has to advertise, make himself available, and demonstrate attractive qualities. But unlike women, men are not automatically cast into this role. Men have to work at "selling". Women, on the other hand, have a passive role and whether they like it or not are thrown into it. Simply put, the game is taken to them, and so naturally they get good at it over time. Just like the average consumer becomes very product smart over time, just by constant exposure to merchants wanting to sell something.

As the seller the man gets to set the frame.

He sells what he sells and that won't (shouldn't change) for the sake of the buyer (the woman). The man doesn't choose (chase). He merely sells, to whoever is willing to buy. The price is fixed (although some negotiation is always possible). And he may have to do a credit check to make sure the buyer is actually able to pay, but that's where screening comes in.

Problems occur when the seller chases after someone to make a sale. He appears needy and the quality of his product becomes suspect, and the resistance to making the sale greatly increases.

The woman can't have the power of choice and set the frame at the same time. Just like the man can't hold the frame and chase (choose) at the same time. That is a mismatch. The frame (the conditions and direction of the sale) can only come from the seller.

Chasing is a form of active choosing. It helps the woman validate her decision to buy so that she doesn't get "buyer's remorse". Furthermore, it is not unnattractive at all for a woman to chase. It can be done from a position of self-respect and can be quite rewarding for her in the end.

It only makes sense for the woman to chase (choose) if any chasing is to be done at all. Where things get twisted is where men are told that they should sell and chase, and women are told that they should choose and sell. You cannot have both.

In simpler terms it is the man's job to lead the interaction and the woman's job to choose to be part of that. She has to be given that choice, ie. "I want to be there" or "I don't want to be there", not "I want to be there and let's do this...because I want to be in charge too" - that is not the way the dynamic is meant to work.

Copyright © 2006 Vittorio Norman

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