I'll tell you what. When my kids don't call me once in awhile, it makes me nuts! I gotta change my paradigm on this topic. It would be easy to come up with a list of reasons why I might personally like or need to hear from my offspring. We could dabble in the idea of feeling loved, or appreciated or that even something we had to say might be helpful or encouraging, but we won't. That's all the standard stuff. Oh sure, I connect my kids not calling me to them not liking me or not giving a rats ass about me, but I seriously doubt that is literally true. If being a butthead from time to time get's you taken out of the loop, then I wouldn't be calling them either.

I guess some parents actually run the show that way, but that is not me. Shortcomings, plans gone awry, the unforeseen or the "you had to be there” stuff that can separate families needs to be rethought. Unless you live on the planet Lollypop, all of us have goofed up. That's not a good enough reason not to stay in touch.

There are stages of communication that we might can take a look at before we get down to one hard cold fact of life. Let's take a look.

Stage One Ages 0-11 You're home most of the time, we have the money and the food and you don't so you always call us from the next room.

Stage Two Ages12-18 You only call when you need a ride, some money or to tell us you aren't coming home and want to stay somewhere else. If you are boys, you don't call, we have to wait until you wander in, and we die a little all night.

Stage Three Ages 19-22 You are so busy preparing for your life work and studying so hard to get such good grades to justify the thousands spent on your education, no wonder you don't call. The cell signal cannot be received in the dorm where you are holed up learning marvelous things, and you never go anywhere where calls can be made easily. We understand....uh huh.

Stage Four Ages 25-40 You're busy doing your life work, having babies and wondering if you really want to do what you ended up doing. Calls at this stage are the ones where you want to come home and just visit the old places that you felt so secure in as a kid and wish you could go back. You call your friends and sometimes parents to let them know when you are coming in and you want the kind of food you remember as a kid.

Stage Five Ages 41-65 You actually do call because mom and dad suddenly look older and not so healthy. Hey you've gained some weight too and everything is starting to hurt. See, that's what we wanted to tell you when we rere that age if you called, but oh no, you couldn't call to hear us bitch and moan.

Stage Six Ages 65 Plus Hmmm, fewer people to call and you would if you could but they have gone on to parallel universes, succumbed or left the planet in some form or another. Darn it, that cat was in the cradle with a silver spoon, little boy blue and the man in the moon....When ya coming home dad, I don't know when, but we'll get together then....we'll have a good time then, or something like that. At least call YOUR Kids!

But I like this one the best. If it wasn't for all the stuff that happened in my life , like the thing I can't tell ya about in '65, that saved me from the thing in '68, which produced the move in '72 and that night in Chicago in '74 and one in Ohio in '77, neither of you would be here.

Even better, family folklore tells us that if Grandma and Grandpa had not collided in the streets of Hilversum Holland on a rainy night, umbrellas in the way in 1911, then Cora, my mom would not have met Fred, my dad who had me to do that thing in '65 that saved me from the that' thing in '68 causing me to move to Los Angeles, California. On top of that, 'ol ma and pa evidently cancelled their passage on Titanic in April of '12 for

a friends wedding in June of that year since they were not coming back to Holland again. Whew, close one there or we'd all be someone else and we would not care about who called who, when and how often. In fact, we have to realize that if Zog the Neanderthal had made contact with that angry swing, Smurfeena, you're Cro-Magnon ancestor that walked into Holland 35,000 years ago, would never have gotten thrown down by Moe the Magnon and, well you get the pictures. You would not exist, so feel free to call home.

It gets better than that. Before you were born, I was in college and wanted out of LA for a summer in Boise, Idaho. I booked a plane ticket and was all set to go the next day when some guy asked me to work on night and try out a new job. I felt a bit torn between making money on campus that summer and going to Idaho where I would not make any, so since I could fly the next day after I had planned, I tried it out. Hated the job! But I also missed the plane I was ticketed for and it was hit by a fighter jet over Los Angeles. I have seen the pictures of the wreckage in the ravine and, of course, no one survived. So how bout a call home for wavering in my resolve to go to Idaho, BEFORE you were born! Oh did I tell you that a few weeks later, when I got to Boise, I agreed to be the push the parachute packs out of the small plan to the lazy hunters in the mountains so they would have to carry them in? Pilot had a seat and a seat belt but I had the floor and no door on the plane. I pushed all the packs out and wanted to watch the chutes open so leaned forward to look out the door. The pilot had a similar idea so banked the plane and only my scream and spread eagle stance in the missing door space gave him the hint to bank the other way and throw me away from the exit and against the oppostie wall of the plane. Since this was BEFORE you were born, how about a call cause you came real close to non existence in this material world as did I...again.

It's kinda like that drunk driver that almost took us all out in Kentucky when you were standing on the front seat of the car, unrestrained with headlights leaving me to only have time to say "oh shit.” At least I found out what my last words would be! I don't know where that car went, but it never touched us and, well, give your babies big kisses from me! I'm glad you are still here too after all this time!

Someday you can explain to your sweet babies how if it hadn't been for the rain in Hilversum or their grandpa not getting on a plane, they also would be someone else, or no one else! How cool is that! Tell them to call you once in awhile!

Aw really kids we try to understand when you never call or at least call seldom. Boys I am assurred just don't call and girls are more faithful with that kind of thing. Maybe so. But it's kinda like Bill Cosby once said, "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.” No just kidding, it just feels that way when parents don't hear from their kids. We don't care what you say when you call. Lie to us, bullshit us, understate everything, or exaggerate if want to. Have a pity party or be goofy. We did it to our folks, but just call. Go easy on the "send money” thing though ok? If I have extra, I'll send it without you're having to call. I know it helps and am generous enough to be generous when there is something to be generous with.

Love you kids. Give us a call before you have to pay roaming charges across parallel universes. Parents are just kids grown up like they never thought they would anyhow.

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