Dads who abandoned their kids, for whatever reason, have a long, hard road ahead if they want a reunion with there kids. God Bless you if you've got the dedication required to make it happen. As the years roll by, Absentee Dads who want to reconnect with their kids face severe obstacles:

1) Fear — How will you be received by the kids if you can get to them?

2) Access — Will the ex-wife allow you to return?

3) Acceptance — Will the kid even want to talk to you?

There's no simple answer to overcoming these obstacles. But getting support and working with a team of mentors to advise you every step of the way is key.

And then there's the kids. Acceptance really depends on how angry the kids are with you.

My friend and mentor Gerald reunited with his two daughters after several years. One accepted him and built a great relationship, and the other wanted nothing to do with him now or ever.

Assuming Dad overcomes the fear and the kids acceptance is an unknown factor, the remaining factor is access approaching the ex-spouse.

In his book, The Prodigal Father, Mark Bryan writes,

"I knew she must feel abandoned, just as I felt driven away. There was validity to both our perspectives, but I could see this only after repeated sessions with pencil and paper, writing through my wounded feelings until I could see not only the pain, but the painful facts: I had surrendered my rights and my power to Betsy (his ex-wife) and tried to blame her for my wrongs."

Preparation and getting clear on paper before attempting a reunion with the ex-wife very important. Here are a few tips to help:

* Don't try to connect the child before you connect with the child's mother. That will be seen as an act of war.

* Don't use the phone. Don't show up at the door. Don't do anything except find a mentor who previews and approves all your plans. And listen closely to what the mentor tells you.

Where do you find a mentor? Locally, find a psychologist who specializes in parenting issues. Check with ministers who you respect. Talk to other dads to find someone who has gone through this before.

Join online

support groups or work with online parenting coaches such as Mark Bryan at http://www.prodigalfather.com or Mark Brandenburg at www.markbrandenburg.com.

* Resolve your anger. If you hold any resentments against your ex-wife, get rid of them. Go back to the mentor and do whatever it takes. If you try to re-enter the ex's world while still blaming her for ANYTHING, your reunion will not happen.

* Make the initial contact by letter. Never send the letter until it's approved by your mentors. The wrong words and wrong attitude will nix your chances to reunite.

* After the initial contact, do whatever your ex asks as conditions to reunite. Remember, you basically gave up your rights as a father and must humble yourself.

* Being humble doesn't mean you can't negotiate. If she requests all the back money you owe, pay it if you've got it. If you don't, say so and ask for terms. Keep the conversation going without the emotions of the past. Remember, this is mostly a business arrangement, not a marital negotiation.

Good luck. And stay involved in your kids' lives.

Tell Your Friend