One of my favorite Emerson quotes is simple: What you do speaks so loudly that I can not hear what you say.

When my kids were young, I was full of words — and a lot of action too. The actions just didn't match my words.

(You can read about that experience and how I changed it in Bad Dad: 10 Keys to Regaining Trust at http://www.Bad-Dad.com/baddad_dp.htm.)

Have you ever heard a father or mother say to the child, "Please don't take up smoking. It's such a nasty habit and so bad for you."

Of course, hang around parents, you'll hear that. How many times have those words fought for breath as the parent puffs on a Marlboro? Too, too many times.

A 2-year old learns the word "Why?" They ask it until they go to college. "Why can't I pull the cat's tail?" "Why can't I hit the ball?" "Why does that girl keep hanging around?" "Why can't I have the car?"

"Why is it okay for you to smoke when I can't!"

As parents, we often fall into the "Because I said so!" trap. That eventually morphs into "Do as I say, not as I do."

Kids are smart. They operate with an emotional truth that we seem to lose as we get older. The young ones hear your words and witness your actions. Soon the words mean nothing because the actions speak so loudly.

You can counsel your children against smoking until you're blue in the face, but if you smoke they will not hear you. If you're lucky, they'll be disgusted by your habit. If not, they will somehow try to create a bond with you by. . .you guessed it. . .picking up a cigarette.

It takes courage to change. And it takes cowardice to watch your children pickup your suicidal habit. Yep, that was harsh. I'm sorry.

But if you want your children to trust you, you must change too. Start by stopping.

I know. You've tried many times before. Nicotine has a strong hold on you. But there is help. See the doctor. Join Nicotine Anonymous. Get the patch. Do whatever you can to stop. And do it with your child

If you don't smoke, you're ahead of the game, but not out of the woods yet. There's still that Emerson quote. It applies to everything, not just smoking.

You must become a role model. Let me rephrase that — you ARE a role model. You must become a POSITIVE role model.

What you do and how you behave affects your teen — all children — in ways you only find later. Smoking is just one sign.

Next time, if your teen has started, how does she stop?