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When Feedback Gets Personal , Workplace Communication

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When Feedback Gets Personal

The phrase 'there's something about Mary' may conjure up all sorts of images for you, depending on whether or not you've seen the film of that name. But what if Mary's one of your team, and the thing about her is her unique and rather unpleasant smell?

Tackling a personal hygiene issue at work is never easy. Most people try to ignore it or hope that it'll miraculously go away. But unfortunately it hasn't, and it's getting harder to ignore.

Several other members of your team have commented on it and are now waiting for you to do something. Their own attempts at dropping hints have proved useless and rather expensive - the gift boxes of toiletries have grown bigger with each Christmas and birthday, and yet the smell still lingers.

To be fair, you did try and tackle the subject indirectly during a team meeting. Unfortunately, your request that everyone makes sure they're always clean and smart for work only succeeded in upsetting the rest of the team, while Mary seemed to remain blissfully unaware that she was the intended target of your comment.

Should you say anything?

Although everyone's on your case and waiting for you to talk to her, you're not even sure you have the right to say something - after all, Mary's very good at her job, and is her BO really that big a problem?

There's one main reason why people avoid saying anything, and that's usually their fear of the reaction they'll get. What if she gets upset or angry? Or what if she walks out? She may well do any or all of these - but then again she may not.

To counteract this, there are three good reasons why you should say something. Firstly, your team are waiting for you to do so. Ok, perhaps they should be tackling issues they have with their colleagues themselves. But they obviously don't feel confident enough to do it themselves, and they're waiting for you to show leadership. And if you don't, perhaps it'll be the other members of your team that get upset or angry, or start looking for another job.

Problems of this nature can cause huge barriers between colleagues. Although they may actually like Mary, they may end up avoiding having to work closely with her, especially in confined spaces. This is bound to have an impact on everyone's work.

Which brings me onto the second reason for tackling the issue: BO's bad for business. What effect is this having on your clients or customers? If Mary only deals with them over the phone, there's no problem. If on the other hand she regularly meets people, she could be losing you work. Where your clients really have no other choice than to use your organisation (as is often the case in much of the public sector), you might think 'tough'. Well, if that's your attitude, you've far more to worry about than Mary's personal hygiene.

The final reason for saying something is Mary herself. If you were Mary, wouldn't you prefer to be told, than have people whispering about you behind your back? Most people really do prefer to be told about something like this, even though it causes some initial embarrassment. And if Mary is already well aware of the problem, you still need to tackle the issue properly. The hints and endless toiletries are likely to be having a negative effect on her, and might even be taken as a form of bullying.

So, what do you do?

Find somewhere private, where you can talk without being interrupted. You may want to consider somewhere other than your office - if the

rest of the team realise what's going on, the way they watch your door to judge Mary's reaction as she leaves could make an uncomfortable situation far worse.

Be direct. Beating about the bush will make you both more uncomfortable. You might want to practise an opening phrase beforehand, something like "I'd like to discuss something with you. I've noticed you've got a body odour problem; we need to talk about it, because it's affecting the business.”

This 'cause and effect' structure is very useful - it shows you're raising the issue for a purpose, rather than just for the sake of it. Of course, it helps if you've thought through exactly what effect the problem is causing.

Also, take ownership of what you're saying - "I've noticed” is far better than hiding behind an "everyone's noticed”.

But what should you do if your initial fear was justified and Mary gets upset or angry? Being told you've got BO is obviously not pleasant, so an emotional response is to be expected. Acknowledging her feelings is a good start, and then you need to look at what happens next. You could say something like "You're clearly upset by this; let's sort it out.”

In some ways, getting no reaction can be even more difficult. If you just can't judge how Mary's feeling, you could try asking, "what do you think about what I've just said?” If she says she doesn't want to discuss it, you need to make it clear that this isn't an option. Give her time to reflect, setting up a meeting the following day if necessary.

Breaking the news is only part of the story. You can't assume that now you've told her, Mary will be able to do something about it. This could be the case, but she might need your help. Particularly if she already knows she has a problem and hasn't yet managed to solve it, you'll need to look at what she's already tried and then explore other options.

You might want to suggest she visits the doctor, as smells can be symptoms of something else. For example, although you can cover bad breath up with mints, it's better to tackle the underlying cause, be that gum disease or something else. And talking of underlying medical conditions, be careful about jumping to wrong conclusions. Smelling of alcohol could be the result of drinking, but a similar smell can accompany diabetes.

You should always follow up any action you've agreed with ongoing support and encouragement. Tell Mary when you notice improvements, and ask her what's happening if the problem comes back again.

And finally, avoid falling into the trap of gossiping. If anyone in your team asks what's going on, let them know you're dealing with it, but that you won't say more.

So, when there's something about Mary (or Martin or Miguel or Meera), you can't ignore it because it won't go away. By all means take some time to think through how you want to approach the issue, but in the end you will just have to get on and do it.


Tim Schuler has been a development professional since the mid-1980s and is director of The Development Practice. He has substantial experience of helping people improve their management capability, communication skills and personal effectiveness.


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