There's a lot of information around about how to network effectively; which presupposes that it is an art to be learned. But there is also a case for laying down the guidelines for how NOT to network.

Successful networking is, in the end, another application of good people skills. You would not expect to endear yourself to someone if your eyes are constantly wandering off round the room while he/she was talking to you.

Still, at some point everyone will end up, cornered, at the networking event from hell. On such occasions it is as well to remember the old adage: "There is no failure, only feed-back”. While the event may be less than successful, you can at least derive some small benefit from it by registering all the pitfalls you personally have not fallen into.

Cardinal rules of how not to network include the following:

1) Do not attend a networking event with your mother if you are 45 or over. It tends not to project you in the most credible light.

2) Do not tell fellow networkers the precise calorie content of what they were just about to pitch into with gusto. It tends to make them feel bad about themselves, and therefore also about you also. It really is not the best way to make friends and influence people.

3) Do not launch into endless stories about obscure relatives or acquaintances of yours who your fellow networkers don't know, are never likely to meet and most likely would not wish to know, now that you have divulged every detail of their personal and professional life.

4) If, for some inexplicable reason, you have brought your elderly mother and she shows signs of revealing that your business is struggling so badly that she is your book-keeper, company secretary, cleaner, salesman and banker, then GAG HER, forthwith. Better public suicide than public character assassination.

5) Do not visit a stream of consciousness narrative about your entire working life on those around you. It's just possible that they may find it less fascinating than you do.

6) Do not whinge on about excessive portion size when other people are de

molishing vast quantities with all the finesse of a famished Rottweiller. It may - just - embarrass them enough to get a 100g unchewed mouthful of meat stuck in their craw.

7) Do NOT start asking who wants a doggy bag and threaten to foist your left-overs on other people. (It's strange, I know, but they might just not want to depart with your left-overs in a pocket of their business suit, or even wrapped in a paper napkin in their best handbag.)

8) Do consider that the purpose of the event is to circulate and find out a little about as many of your fellow networkers as possible. They will appreciate your interest in them, however transient.

9) Do bear in mind that a networking event doesn't have to be an endurance test. He/she who stays longest in one place mesmerising a prey who has lost the will to live does not win.

Common sense should be enough to ensure universal adherence to the above rules. Unfortunately, as the old adage goes, common sense can be an uncommon quality.

(C) 2006 Annie Kaszina

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